20 Witty Quotes on Love, Sex, and Marriage

20 witty quotes on love, sex, and marriage that are 100% giggle worthy!


“Some people ask the secret of a long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, music, and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.” – Henry Youngman


“How do you feel about men? With my hands.” – Cher


“Women are a problem, but they are the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with.” – Warren Beatty


“The difference between sex and death is with death you can do it alone and nobody is going to make fun of you.” – Woody Allen


“It’s so tiring making love to a women it takes forever. I’m too lazy to be a lesbian.” – Camille Paglia


“The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man.” – Jo Brand


“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.” – Stuart Turner


“My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first.” – Ellie Lane


“Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, got beat and tortured every day for 27 years and spent six months with his wife, and said, I can’t take this shit anymore. I’m outta here.” – Chris Rock


“The only way to get rid of cockroaches is to tell them you want a long term relationship.” – Jasmine Birtles


“A husband should tell his wife everything that he is sure she will find out anyway and before anybody else does.” – Thomas Dewar


“If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a relationship, buy a dog.” – Julie Burchill


“My mother said it’s easy to keep a man. You must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the first two and take care of the bedroom bit myself.” – Jerry Hall


“I was the first women to burn my bra, it took the fire department four days to put it out.” – Dolly Parton


“There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.” – P.J O’Rourke


“Have you heard about the women who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.” – Roseanne Barr


“I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.” – Dick Martin


“The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.” – Joan Rivers


“I am not bald, my head is just a solar panel for a sex machine.” – Telly Savalas


“I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a billionaire?” – Zsa-Zsa Gabor

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